Ketchup

I don't really care for ketchup... except with fishsticks. Not so much on fries (when I eat them) or on hamburgers. Maybe on a hotdog but that only happens when we're at Wrigley field. I also don't like playing catch-up whether it be at work, things around the house or reacquainting with people - sometimes it feels like dwelling in the past and I much prefer to live in the present tense. But catching up is a necessary evil. It's a reminder of where you've been and it launches you into the next stage of the journey.

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately. Old highschool friends' blogs, strangers and their adoption stories, random cooking and fashion blogs, ACS blogs (arts, crafts and sewing) like threadbangers and thrifty mom. I feel like reading other people's posts are sort of an unobtrusive way to learn about people and things and to know that I'm not alone in life's journey, I wish my PA classmates would continue to blog - we were all so faithful in school and as our lives joined the working class of PAs our stories, experiences became obsolete in the blogging world.

Our life has been really crazy and at risk of boring people with a long sob story, I'm about to do the catch-up thing for the blog in a very candid no holds bar kind of way. Exit stage right if this sort of thing is not for you.

Fertility - yeah I have none - actually not true, I have some - with a lot of help from science. After 7 rounds of fertility treatments and two rounds of injectible medications - our fertility treatment worked and resulted in a wonderful, seemingly healthy embryo which grew beautifully for 7 weeks. Then the beauty that this much awaited pregnancy was ended in a very traumatic way. I miscarried due to lack of hormones (a problem we knew was possible all along) I had emergency surgery to more or less clean everything out. Devastating, heartbreaking, you name it - we felt it. Quite possibly the saddest I've ever felt. I know some people will scoff and roll their eyes - how sad can you be for a group of cells? But they were our cells, hope and developing kiddo. So we grieved and truth be told, sometimes we still get sad and ask all of the dreaded and never answered "why" questions. We've also questioned giving it one more go but can we handle another loss like that when we know the odds are not in our favor. And not being a candidate for surrogacy or IVF sorta limits our options.

Adoption - always been in the plan - likely sooner than later but again there are so many uncertainties. We were on the path to international adoption but the country we were planning to adopt from suddenly had some major policies change. Wait times and more uncertainty filled the air and a 2yr wait seems so painful should in fact adoptions stop altogether. The Congo is another option but possibly one of the most tumultuous areas in all of Africa - lots of uncertainties. Why not domestic? I'll spare you the nitty gritty details but let's just say this - agencies are making bank on women choosing adoption and there's something really really wrong with that in our eyes/minds/hearts. Private domestic adoption under the right circumstances is still possible but we were recently burned on that road too. Headed to KS for adoption of an abandoned infant only to have the biological mom decide to parent after 5 days and denying she was pregnant. I can only pray that child is safe in SRS custody and that the mom/family pulled themselves together for the sake of the child. On the plus side we snuck in some extra time with mom and grandma - a much needed reunion.

So on the kid front - we're holding steady not looking to move in any direction any time soon. Instead we're playing the roles of roadies traveling to see Eddie Vedder 3 different times, 3 different states in a two week period and headed to see PJ in September. We went to Chicago to see the Cubbies play and sat 2nd row behind the dugout. It's fun being able to pick up and just go - do what we please when we please and lvie it up like rockstars, at least for now. We've had some lovely time at the coast and just hanging out - although I think there's never enough of that. We've been working out - despite the recent hiatus for travel - and Shawn's really kicking butt in boxing - pun intended. And I am being crafty McCrafter in the sewing dept.

I'm sure there's more going on in our lives beside just these things - but these things seem to stand out. So until next time, we're living life, enjoying every second of the journey.