Fall +PJ = magic

It's officially fall. I love fall. I can't quite put my finger on it because it essentially means the beginning of the rainy season here in the PNW but I do love fall. The rainy season makes me just want to sit and listen to music, curled up in a handmade quilt, snuggle with the hubby and the pups and just chill. Boring huh?

We love music - of all kinds but we have a particular warm spot for Pearl Jam. (And yes we chased Eddie Vedder through three states in 2 weeks and it was totally worth it). PJ is comforting - a true NW band that has survived 20years which is fairly rare if you think about great bands. They've survived being outspoken, the grunge era melt down and taking on Ticketmaster. We just went to Vancouver BC to see them play the last show on the North American leg of the PJ20 tour. WOW! We learned after the Eddie Vedder Seattle show, the last show is the place to be. It's a whole different experience. Couple that with Shawn's amazing seat selection and I'm speechless. We went to see the Cameron Crowe Documentary (or rockumentary if you will) a the historic Hollywood Theatre in PDX. It was so well done, so well pieced and who thought to keep footage from 22 years ago - before the band even formed? Brilliant. It gave some amazing insight to the band and it reminded fans that if it weren't for Mother Love Bone (and Andy Wood's untimely death) there would be no PJ. An amazing tribute to Andy and Mother Love Bone can be found Here (yeah, we were here... sigh)
Just like any form of music - PJ is not for everyone and I'm pretty sure that most people wouldn't justified planning vacations around seeing them or the front man EV in concert... but we do. While we are childless we are going play, have fun and live and one way we live is through music. Music is healing and music can be the words that escape your tongue but are in your head.

I wear a bracelet, it's simple, practically unnoticeable and a thin leather band. It says Present Tense. That's all it needs to say. It reminds me to keep moving forward to not live in the past and not live in yesterday or even 5min ago. That seems simple enough, right? To not dwell on the past and yet I could never really do that until I met Shawn. He taught me to live in the now. You can remember the past but you don't have to re-live it or curse yourself for mistakes you've made. Any time you spend re-living the past only wastes the precious present which can be gone in an instant. Some days I wear my bracelet because it looks stylish with my outfit but other days I wear it as a declaration and still sometimes it serves as a reminder. And wouldn't you know? This bracelet was inspired by PJ.   Present Tense, PJ KC 2010 (crappy video but we were there and it was awesome!)

So until next time. Thank you PJ, welcome fall and Cheers for what's next.

Ketchup

I don't really care for ketchup... except with fishsticks. Not so much on fries (when I eat them) or on hamburgers. Maybe on a hotdog but that only happens when we're at Wrigley field. I also don't like playing catch-up whether it be at work, things around the house or reacquainting with people - sometimes it feels like dwelling in the past and I much prefer to live in the present tense. But catching up is a necessary evil. It's a reminder of where you've been and it launches you into the next stage of the journey.

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately. Old highschool friends' blogs, strangers and their adoption stories, random cooking and fashion blogs, ACS blogs (arts, crafts and sewing) like threadbangers and thrifty mom. I feel like reading other people's posts are sort of an unobtrusive way to learn about people and things and to know that I'm not alone in life's journey, I wish my PA classmates would continue to blog - we were all so faithful in school and as our lives joined the working class of PAs our stories, experiences became obsolete in the blogging world.

Our life has been really crazy and at risk of boring people with a long sob story, I'm about to do the catch-up thing for the blog in a very candid no holds bar kind of way. Exit stage right if this sort of thing is not for you.

Fertility - yeah I have none - actually not true, I have some - with a lot of help from science. After 7 rounds of fertility treatments and two rounds of injectible medications - our fertility treatment worked and resulted in a wonderful, seemingly healthy embryo which grew beautifully for 7 weeks. Then the beauty that this much awaited pregnancy was ended in a very traumatic way. I miscarried due to lack of hormones (a problem we knew was possible all along) I had emergency surgery to more or less clean everything out. Devastating, heartbreaking, you name it - we felt it. Quite possibly the saddest I've ever felt. I know some people will scoff and roll their eyes - how sad can you be for a group of cells? But they were our cells, hope and developing kiddo. So we grieved and truth be told, sometimes we still get sad and ask all of the dreaded and never answered "why" questions. We've also questioned giving it one more go but can we handle another loss like that when we know the odds are not in our favor. And not being a candidate for surrogacy or IVF sorta limits our options.

Adoption - always been in the plan - likely sooner than later but again there are so many uncertainties. We were on the path to international adoption but the country we were planning to adopt from suddenly had some major policies change. Wait times and more uncertainty filled the air and a 2yr wait seems so painful should in fact adoptions stop altogether. The Congo is another option but possibly one of the most tumultuous areas in all of Africa - lots of uncertainties. Why not domestic? I'll spare you the nitty gritty details but let's just say this - agencies are making bank on women choosing adoption and there's something really really wrong with that in our eyes/minds/hearts. Private domestic adoption under the right circumstances is still possible but we were recently burned on that road too. Headed to KS for adoption of an abandoned infant only to have the biological mom decide to parent after 5 days and denying she was pregnant. I can only pray that child is safe in SRS custody and that the mom/family pulled themselves together for the sake of the child. On the plus side we snuck in some extra time with mom and grandma - a much needed reunion.

So on the kid front - we're holding steady not looking to move in any direction any time soon. Instead we're playing the roles of roadies traveling to see Eddie Vedder 3 different times, 3 different states in a two week period and headed to see PJ in September. We went to Chicago to see the Cubbies play and sat 2nd row behind the dugout. It's fun being able to pick up and just go - do what we please when we please and lvie it up like rockstars, at least for now. We've had some lovely time at the coast and just hanging out - although I think there's never enough of that. We've been working out - despite the recent hiatus for travel - and Shawn's really kicking butt in boxing - pun intended. And I am being crafty McCrafter in the sewing dept.

I'm sure there's more going on in our lives beside just these things - but these things seem to stand out. So until next time, we're living life, enjoying every second of the journey.

I'm ready to be done with March.

It's been a crappy month all around. I'm ready for April.
We lost our baby panda and are devistated. How do you move forward from here?

Twenty-Eleven

Another new year is upon us, my how quickly time flies.
2010 was wonderful for us and I am sure 2011 will be even more amazing. Sure, we've had some ups and downs, highs and lows but all in all, we are so very blessed.
2011 will be a little more laid back I think than the last few years and I'm going to do my darndest to learn how to just ride the wave of life, which I think I do pretty well but there's definitely room for improvement.
Some things we have to look forward to: going on a much needed vacation - a quick cruise to the Caribbean on the largest cruise ship in the world, continue settling into our new home (why can't the garage just unpack itself?), picking up a new hobby - photography: we bought two new Nikons to start with and there's no shortage of beautiful scenery in the PNW, increasing our fitness - Shawn's already way ahead here, hoping Cubs and Wrigs can learn how to catch their new frisbee and of course expanding our family one way or another. We have one fertility treatment left and in the event it doesn't turn out the way we hope (like the last one) we'll be full steam ahead in our adoption plans. Either way, EXCITING times ahead.
Wishing everyone a happy new year. PEACE LOVE and HAPPINESS.

SNOW!

First snow of the year (and possibly the last) and in our house at that. The puppies haven't seen snow in quite awhile, Cubby didn't seem to mind, Wrigley wasn't sold on the idea (plus she managed to take off her sweater). We had fun running and playing outside. Snow in the valley means snow on the mountain. Ready for snowboard season! Oh and Happy 4th anniversary to us!

Hello dirty puppy, almost forgot your coat is white

Mt. Hood from the plane

4 amazing years of marriage

SNOW

Patients at work patients at home

What a strange health week for our family of 4.
Shawn's been itchy - it didn't start with a rash but he eventually did get a rash and it resolved on its own but he's still itchy, not sure why. Then Wrigley gets sick, vomiting, diarrhea the works. Just when she gets over that hump, after bathtime we find she has an ear infection. Doggy ear infections stink, literally.  I think we caught the infection early enough and prevented her from needing super antibiotics and a trip to the vet. (I'm so glad Shawn's the ear cleaning expert, she doesn't want me anywhere near her ears). Then a rash I've had is beginning to get bigger and spreading like wild fire. It started as a singular red scaly spot then the little oval patches started to form along my sides then spread to the arms and a few on the legs. It itched, quite a bit and I was looking like a mutation, I was hoping I would still have some normal skin left. After some thoughts I knew what my rash was (much to my relief I wasn't coming down with a hybrid rash from jail) and so the 6-8 week wait begins. And then the canine conjunctivitis. Cubby's eye is so darn goopy it actually made me a little queasy trying to clean him up. A piece of mulch probably scratched his eye (they've been spending a lot of time outdoors) but I really hope it's not bacterial and Wriggy ends up with it too. Good thing we've got a paramedic and a PA in the family.

CC Shawn

The wait is finally over and it's official - Shawn is the newest night G-shift Crew Chief! So very proud of such a wonderful accomplishment. I know he has a lot to learn and faces new challenges but I know he will succeed every step of the way. He makes me so proud, all of his hard work and dedication have paid off.

Looks like we're headed to IVF, unless for some reason this cycle of meds works, since it will take awhile to dive into that journey, I've taken on some new activities: Barre3 class - mix of pilates/ballet/yoga. I forgot I had some of those muscles. Tonight I did "something bigger, something better" took a cabaret hip hop class at Vega Dance Lab. It was awesome. I forgot how much I love dancing. I'll be playing that song on my ipod for awhile.

Random note: the new Axe commercial (the one that shows two ladies washing golf balls), the little fine print at the end that states:" use gently on sensitive areas" cracks me up.

Puppy Socks

Thought I'd get the puppies some socks to help keep their paws from tracking any missed dirt after the nightly sponge bath, maybe working them into being comfortable wearing little puppy rain boots for the rainy season. Good thought but in practice, not so much. Actually, I would consider them a total fail. The socks don't really stay on like you'd think they would/should.  Ssurprisingly neither of them tried to gnaw their own paw off nor did they chew on them.  Cubs did however walk like he had 4 injured paws for the first few minutes. Just not so sure they're functional after all, who knew?

Wriggy's birthday is Thursday - she's going to be 3! (21 puppy years) [ don't tell, but she's getting a new sweater and Cubby is getting one too] not sure what to make her for treats just yet but they will be good - only the best for my little piggy.

No go on the precepting spot for Shawn, but that's ok, there are bigger and better things awaiting him.

So moral of the story - puppies really don't need socks.

Reconnecting

I think we've been in a time warp lately - the time just keeps going by faster and faster and the "to do list" seems to be getting bigger and bigger.

We're almost settled, just as busy as always and now with the house there are a million and one more things to do - mowing the lawn is a necessity but 3 weeks in and we're still enjoying it. I'll be glad when the boxes are all unpacked in the garage.

Puppies have learned to be outdoor explorers and we have become master paw-wipers.

Mom and grandma are coming to visit in 10days, pretty excited for this adventure - hoping to show grandma around I think it's been 30 years since she was last here/

Shawn applied and interviewed to be a preceptor - we're thinking positive precepting thoughts. He would be so awesome in that position.

I've learned a couple useful tidbits from work like don't let a friend give you a tattoo in places you can't see or else the "monster" tattoo you were hoping to get becomes "molester" I've also seen about 25-30% of my former classmate's and professor's chart notes. It's kind of fun to hear patient's talk about their great PA and then turns out I know them.

Breaking news*** just learned I've been feeding an ant colony 25# of dog food. Way to go****

The addition to our family has not happened and may not be in our cards. We've been using science to help us and still no luck, apparently my "garden variety" unexplained infertility resembles a garden from the Lost City of Atlantis- unexplainable. We may be headed to Oregon Reproductive Medicine (ORM) in the very near future but there may not be a scientific intervention to solve my biological conundrum. So we've nearly come to terms that our lives may be going in a different direction and so a great deal of traveling may be in order.

That about sums it up from the PNW.

Shiny Bins

So the house is finished, we closed on 6/30, keys are in hand, but we haven't had a chance to actually move in yet... kind of crazy as we sit here on the couch in our apartment when it's 95 degrees outside knowing that we could be enjoying 70 degree comfort inside our house. All in good time I suppose but really, who doesn't move right away? Maybe because my car has been dying a slow agonizing death... it's 12 years old, 181,936 miles, the driver door handle broke off so have to role down the window to open the door, the engine light is on and it occasionally continues to run, making a high pitched screeching noise even when the car is in "off" position and keys out of the ignition. So I bought a new car today. Betsy has gone to greener pastures, and now I'm enjoying Goldie - named lovingly for the band "Goldfish" that sings the song to the car's commercial.
Now that the car isn't an issue I guess we don't have any excuse not to pack up and get the hell out of Dodge, before it burns down. (yeah, an apartment fire in our complex this week due to a faulty propane tank was also motivation).

When did we grow up?

Nearly 22 years ago we were playing soccer - in the same tournament in KS but of course we wouldn't meet until about 17 years later when I graduated from college. Not long after meeting we were engaged and then married. We've travel, we've worked, we've played, we've gone to school and moved (a lot)  and we've managed to raise two dogs in the process. We've grieved, we've celebrated and we've developed our relationship to an amazing combination of friendship and love. However, these amazing adventures and legs to our journey pale in comparison to recent happenings. We signed 35 pages of documents to acquire our new home - that was built just for us, on a lot we picked with color choices and extras that we could only dream about for a house. Just a year ago I was in Ecuador finishing up PA school - and now a year later here we are. Wow. Time goes by so fast, how did this happen? We are so very blessed and grateful for each and every day and every opportunity.

Pictures worth 1000 words

Shawn and his dad putting up the scratch coat - so grateful he could fly out for 48hrs to do this project.

My favorite part of our house is the fireplace. They worked so hard and did a phenomenal job, it is beautiful! The pictures don't do it justice. At least the house and our work will keep us distracted for awhile since we ran into a dead end on the path to family expansion. It appears 2 legged additions might not be in our cards even with science's miraculous help after all.

mini updates

-house is coming along - always surprises, like a 10k retaining wall that needs to go in now, great. Shawn will be stoning the fireplace with his dad the first of June, really excited. I love the stone we've picked out, it's going to look stunning - plus anything done by the Zupfer men will be amazing.

-my work - same old same old, increase in MRSA, strep and tonsilar abscess

-shawn's work - may be changing shifts at the end of the month - mums the word but fingers crossed, not headed to days yet, just moving up the night chain.

-babies - Zupfer babies will be made with a little help from science, hopefully we'll have updates in 3-6months on this journey - we are so blessed that there is a possibility to have children, just going to take a wee bit longer than we thought.

Love is in the air

I'm blessed, very blessed. Not everyone has what we have. We have love. We have so much it overflows. I wish we could take our excess and share it with others and the world might be a better place. This of course will never be the case but it's still great to dream. At 7:45 this morning I took muffins to work for Shawn and the other hard working EMSers. I baked them fresh and I didn't have to go to work today. I did it because I love to do little things that put a smile on his face. Shawn will go out of his way to make sure I eat when I get home for work or take me out to lunch when he's running errands, even if it means going 20min out of his way. Our favorite thing to do is sit on the couch and just be. He really is my best friend and love of my life - what an amazing combination.

So where did all this gooshyness come from? Let me provide a little background first. When I was in high school, I was forced to transfers schools for my senior year. The "Cheerio" girls took me in with open minds and hearts - it was amazing. We had some really great times together. I am so grateful for their friendships even though we have all gone our separate ways, through social networking I can reconnect in someways. Several of these gals have their own blog: the Becker Family, Suburbangranola and articulatethelimb. Jessica, the author of the last blog is in law school, she is also newly engaged. She is one of those brilliant minds, a force to be reckoned with, she is articulate, thoughtful and insightful. Her most recent post reflected her inner cheese of being in love - and just how wonderful it is and how it should be celebrated. I just had to second her in my not so articulate way. Cheers.

Completely random: pregnancy post menopause - not sure what my thoughts are for sure about that... Apparently Russia, Italy and India are the places to go if over the age of 58 and ready to conceive, in fact India believes that elderly parents are much better parents because unlike younger parents working 8-10 hours a day, elderly parents have nothing else to do except to care for the child. Huh, never thought of it like that...

whiff test

There are always strange smells at work - always. One week it smelled like Thanksgiving stuffing (yet not holiday time), another time like pears, a month ago mustard and ketchup a couple days. I don't usually investigate how or why it smells, I'm sure it would ruin a great many things for me to see work's version of chicken noodle soup or a hamburger. Sometimes it's not food, it's burning rubber or stale air (if you can even guess what that smells like). These smells vary between tolerable to stomach turning and if I'm really lucky Shawn can catch a whiff of it lingering on my scrubs. Thank goodness I wear scrubs everyday.
This week, I couldn't quite place my nose on the smells but I started having weird cravings based on these smells. Like a salivating urge to eat hot dogs and nacho cheese, I actually contemplated stopping at the store for these commodities. EWWW. The next day it was chicken in a spinach wrap that sounded good. Where did this come from? I never would eat that. Today it was salmon and cheddar cheese served quesidilla style with salsa. As nasty as this one sounds, it was actually pretty good, the compulsion was so strong I went for it, plus we had all the ingredients. Oddly enough with these weird food desires some foods have fallen out of favor and make my stomach turn just thinking of them - ice cream and fresh baked cupcakes to name a couple. Very disappointing when I made cupcakes tonight.

And no, I'm not pregnant, so don't even go there, and if you already went there come back. Between cravings and aversions I'm not sure what to think, it may be the progesterone but I couldn't find that as an ADR on the package insert.

A Star-lin is born!

A little story:

There once was a little boy from Cuba who loved to play baseball. He wasn't good, he was great. He ventured to the US at the ripe age of 19. He wore his pants up while he played short batting .326. He was a bit shy, but confident. (Hold this thought)

An adorable couple, big baseball fans, traveled to AZ to see their favorite team during spring training. Happen to stay in the same motel as the farm team of said favorite team. Also had an amazing opportunity to be up close and personal with two of the players- one who has played for the team, the other awaiting his call, his turn to shine, a blurry picture and a couple of signed baseballs commemorate this occasion. With confidence, when asked when to expect him in uniform he says about 3 weeks.


Pan to 5 weeks later, almost to the day. 7am. This now 20 year old AA player gets a phone call. Today is his day. 6 RBIs, 2 swings. One homer, one triple. That's one helluva debut, a record in fact. Welcome to Chicago Starlin!

Jet-Setting

1800 miles one way, less than 24 hours - Nothing like living in the Present Tense.

17.96 hours

that was my overtime from the last pay period. Crap - I thought I was doing better, but in retrospect... I'm just going to work earlier to leave earlier but it's getting better, my 98 hr pay period is not the norm - I'm actually back down around 90 hrs, that's tolerable.

Today I found my mind wandering while seeing patients - it's not the first time this has happened. I'm usually thinking about what else to look up or read about or mulling over treatment decisions I've made recently. However today was the first time I actually took a patients temp twice because I was so wrapped up in my thoughts. (I've done this before just to keep a patient's mouth shut, or set the thermometer to setting that counts by one tenth increments - oops, again internal filter, I meant I was double checking that my thermometer was accurate).

Medicine is such an evolution. There are really no right answers, but there is an answer that has more backing from research or more promotion and that's what used. And I'm not sure where all my patients went to "med school" or nursing school or where they managed to work as an EMT between their time away from the rock yet they all seem to think that their two week CNA course or the fact that they watch Dr. Oz on Oprah is better than any degree or knowledge I have and somedays it's frustrating, not to mention the threat to sue or contact the ACLU.

Some patients are breakthroughs, "why should I take all these meds?" (for DM, HTN, high cholesterol) "well, do you like your eyes, kidneys, brain, heart to function?" "Well, yeah. You mean I could die?" (Not to get all philosophical - but yeah we're all going to die) "No one has told me that before, guess I'll take the meds."

Mystery Zone

One year ago we seriously committed to 2 adventures: expanding our family and moving to a house (a detached, single family dwelling to be more specific). Timing is everything in these two matters, especially having just finished up school in August, student loans, Shawn's job shaking up the shifts and cutting out overtime, a new company at my work, our families living 1600 miles away, etc. Our work hours are crazy and we have to actually plan when we are going to see each other and we mark it on the calendar. I leave before he's off and he leaves before I get home - weekends have become sacred. But weekends aren't always convenient for everything that needs to be done... Despite these challenges, we've managed to get a lot done on those weekends and the fruits of our labor are coming to fruition!

In the words of spoon: "Make us a house, some far away town, where nobody will know us well"

We still have a long way to go in the whole "expanding our family" plan, what we thought would be a relatively quick endeavor has become a little more calculated then we planned, which now includes meeting with a fertility specialist. So one leg of the journey is started, another leg is rolling along slowly but all in all, life is fantastic... in the mystery zone!

trusted eggs

Being a trustee of any type doesn't make you automatically trustworthy, so how about not smuggling 6 hard boiled eggs in your socks - you know someone is bound to figure it out, either by missing eggs or the trail of crumbling yoke in your wake.