So the vulture landed today in Circleville - 4 hrs later than anticipated. No lunch or box of bagels to share but the real kicker is that the vulture didn't watch me (prey on me) actually see any patients. By the time the vulture arrived we were so far behind the docs had told me not to see any more patients. So she watched me watch the docs, stand around and tell some toe amputee guy we were going to redress his nub and back to the nursing home he would go. After an hour she said she saw all she needed to see and I was doing a good job (I want to know I am providing good patient care - Dr. Pedemonte and Prof Geitzen always made a point in clinical skills class to point out good things and what to work on - we always have room to grow and I loved that). She also informed me, when I asked if there was anything I could do better or needed to work on - "well I don't know you that well, except that one conversation on the phone, but everyone says you need to stop crying about things." Interesting I said, I've never cried at a rotation - well my first one I was brought to tears because 1. I passed out on day 1 and 2. he yelled at me to the point I finally cried in the OR. so WTF! So now I feel like a) i got the shaft on my site visit - isn't the whole point to do a LAP on me and tell me how to improve? Not just show face and b) so the program faculty and staff think I am a crybaby? yeah, I feel really comfortable asking any faculty to write me a rec now - well, she's a fairly intelligent girl, with brown hair and she cries a lot. Now I know I am quick to shed tears - it's part of me, it's who I am, so get over it - I'm one of those raw emotion kind of people. I cry when I am frustrated with myself - when I think I could have done better but didn't even though I probably couldn't have done any better because I was already doing my best, I cry when I am hurt emotionally or physically (sometimes), or when my integrity is questioned, I cry when I am sad. I cry when I feel like I have done all that I can do and it's still not enough.And sometimes there are just tears because it's the only way my body responds. It's me - it's one of my faults and maybe one of my strengths - i think raw emotion isn't seen all that often. In fact when asked in my Pacific Univ. interview if I show my emotions I sad - yes I do, my tears free flow- it's a part of me. So if it was ok in my interview or it's been a problem somewhere in my academic career - why has someone not brought it to my attention as a concern? Instead I am known as the Pacific Univ. PA program crybaby. What a title.
Now I'll be honest, when I first tried to get into PA school, I knew my academic grades may not show me in the best light - and some schools didn't take a second look at me - they wanted that person who had an outstanding grade in chemistry - or someone who didn't retake Orgo chem, but I knew that any school who interviewed me and accepted me would eventually see where I think I really shine - hands on patient care, so I hoped at each interview that a school would see my long term potential, not my short comings as a chemist. Patient care is my area and my comfort zone. PacU has a PA award for outstanding clinical student and not that many of my classmates are equally great at clinicals and equally deserving but I have been hoping all year that I would be outstanding enough to be recognized for that with that award almost to say see Pacific you made a good choice when you let me in. That small amount of hope all went up in smoke today. Awards are stupid I think - ultimately someone will feel left out or not good enough all because of someone elses objectivity. And really it's not about me - it's about the patients. Am I doing everything I can for them? If my frustrations and and hard work don't translate into better patient care then it doesn't really matter at all.
Silly I know to feel like I am working for an award but I feel like I need it to prove that I am good enough to be a PA, to get a job to justify my hard work. Although I know no award actual does that. Knowing I will be a great PA one day comes from the inside and Shawn tells me daily how great I'm doing just from the stories I tell. I've never won or been voted to hold any office for anything (ok 2 exceptions - I won a big award in KC for a science fair project in 4th grade when I quick froze thousands of red wigglers in my attempt at understanding cryogenics and I was class president in 3rd grade - but everyone hated me and tried to overthrow me). Every office I ran for in college and PA school (and even HS) I lost - which frustrates me *hence I cry* why don't people think I will be a good leader? Why am I not in a position to be a leader? I don't care if anyone actually likes me (after all most of the time it comes down to a popularity contest in my opinion) and I don't care if people want to be friends with me, I just want the opportunity to potentially do something great - save the world one person at a time. I almost feel guilty that I am presenting Pedemonte's award at our graduation party because I wanted to do it but not because anyone actually thought I would be a good choice to do it (in fact when I brought it up that I was interested in presenting that award, I think that person thought I was joking).
My CV is pathetic. I've never won any awards, been recognized for outstanding anything, never held an office (not that I haven't tried desperately), never been published. So I am just an average girl from the midwest who will graduate from a PA school in the NW - a blur in the background. unfortunately people look at the CV to determine your potential - and once again I feel like I look bad on paper, someone just has to give me a shot. Thank the Lord Shawn tells me how wonderful talented, gifted and loved I am daily! (and really in the end it's him and only him that matters but I feel like I need to show him I am deserving of those praises although I know that's not the case since he knows me better than anyone).
So with that being said, the average midwestern crybaby girl is glad she has 2 days off and so grateful that Shawn doesn't care about anything but me and loves me for who I am - tears and awardlessness and everything else. Shawn's my lobster, penguin and polar bear all in one.
